Sex, The City and the lawyer
Being married to the job, an inevitable bi-product of a high-profile City career is an increasing catalyst in marriage breakdowns.
Lawyers, in particular, may be particularly vulnerable to the pressures associated with home and work balance. Burdened by a backbreaking workload, highly analytic dispositions, stress and long hours in the office , legal professionals can be particularly susceptible to erratic actions and emotions. Especially detrimental are feelings of isolation, especially if a spouse does not appreciate nor understand the responsibilities, workload and long hours that come with their partner’s job.
More often than not, it is the spouse that suffers the blows of their partner’s work commitments- law being notorious for its 24-7 agenda. This can often lead to a breakdown in communication, feelings of resentment and, ultimately, to one or both of the couple seeking comfort elsewhere.
Divorce or adultery can also be the result of a couple growing apart in interest and life expectations. As careers progress, priorities change and, inevitably so do the individuals. Weekends are spent in the office; what once was exciting and new has turned stale and dull; qualities which both parties found attractive in one another are no longer there, partners spend less time nurturing each other’s needs which, ultimately, leads to them growing apart.
The most common reasons for marriage breakdowns, especially amongst working professionals, are attributed to one, or both partners’ inability to ‘detach’ themselves from their day jobs. When children
come in to the equation, one spouse may feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising a family, effectively, alone. By the same merit, one partner may not want to have a family due to escalating work commitments- which leads to a conflict of interest and life expectation.
Are affairs more common in one particular area of work?
Of course, there is no ‘stencil’ for those who cheat and by no means are lawyers the guiltiest culprits. Obviously this is up to an individual and their own choices and lifestyles. People that are simply ‘bored’ of the daily routine, or those who don’t have one, are just as likely to stray as individuals who spend long periods of time in the office or away from home. The latter, however, provides a more solid ‘cover up’ for a cheater who can use a heavy workload or business commitments as pretext for their emotional distance or physical time spent away from their partners.
Some choose to actively seek out affairs whilst others find that they just ‘fall’ into one. Long periods of time spent working on cases and/or celebrating after work with colleagues can bring all types of people together even though they may not have had previous inclinations, nor desires to cheat. Lawyers embarking on affairs with colleagues in their own firm often find that it’s not their own relationships that are driving them towards infidelity, but the sense of mutual understanding and interests that bond them with that person at work (which they may not have at home)
Working in close proximity, for prolonged periods of time, discussing and engaging in the same are of work, having the same social groups of friends can all contribute to the ‘work affair’.
Those having affairs with persons they’ve actively sought out are more than likely to be experiencing real, irreconcilable problems in their relations, which may have been going on for a number of years.
One marriage councillor identified five different kinds of extramarital relations, each serving their own purpose:
An affair for comfort and convenience- The affair ‘just happens’- usually with a work colleague. Mutual interests, close work proximity and finally attraction fuels this type of affair.
An affair to fill personal emptiness- The affair begins when one partner may not want a divorce, but needs to fill the void in their personal lives. The affair may serve as a source of excitement and thrill.
An affair to move on- The partner know that their marriage is over and embarks on an affair to help them to move on
An affair for self validation- The partner may feel ignored, rejected and misunderstood by their other half and seeks solace and admiration elsewhere.
An affair to avoid intimacy- The affair begins as a way to avoid becoming vulnerable and relying on their partner too much.
Of course, affairs can be just as common amongst the partners of lawyers/highly-skilled professionals. They may feel isolated and rejected due to the amount of time their partners devote to their work. Similarly, they could see themselves as less competent, less attractive and less successful than their other halves.
The culture of law schools and law firms is not a nurturing one. Lawyers have to be tough to survive in the profession which may make them prone to emotional distance and self-reliance. As previously highlighted, these statements cannot be applied to a whole profession. Relationship problems and emotional weakness range across every social class and profession and are by no means typical to one demographic.
Vanessa Wozniak
More than two thirds (67%) of lawyers during 2007 had at least one
instance of a client using a private investigator to confirm or
deny their suspicions that their spouse was cheating, according to
new research issued today by Grant Thornton's Forensic and
Investigation Services practice*.
Of those that used a private investigator, in 64% of cases it was
women checking up on their husbands and in the remaining 36% of
cases it was men.
Andrea McLaren, head of Grant Thornton's London Matrimonial
practice, says: "Marriages are meant to be built on trust, yet
this figure shows this is not always the case, as more than two
thirds of lawyers had clients who have used a private investigator
to check if their spouse has been cheating on them.”
“While it might seem like an extreme length to go to, people just
want to know the truth – even if it hurts,” she continues.
“Jimmy Choo foundress, Tamara Mellon, was watched by private
investigators hired by her husband (Matthew Mellon) during an
acrimonious divorce in 2007. However, this is not just about the
rich and famous – this is about everyday people using means to
ensure they know if their spouse is being faithful,” continues
McLaren.
For the fifth year in a row, extra-marital affairs was the main
cited given by couples seeking a divorce. During 2007, one third
(29%) of marriages broke down due to one partner being unfaithful,
down from 32% in 2006.
Of those conducting extra-marital affairs, in more than two-thirds
of cases (78%) it was men who played away, a significant increase
on 2006's figure of 69%. In the remaining 22% of cases it was
women who cheated on their husbands (down from 31% the previous
year).
However, for the first time since the survey began, the lawyers
surveyed identified that mid-life crises were the second most
common reason for divorces, with 14% citing this as the cause of
their clients' divorces, up from only 2% last year. In the
majority of cases (93%) it was men's mid-life crises that lead to
the divorce, with the remaining 7% of cases attributed to women.
Family strains were the third most common reason behind divorce,
with 11% of lawyers outlining that this was the key cause of the
marital break up of their clients.
